


if you push it down, it's you

by 3racha (cosmic97)



Series: vent fics [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Pride, Yang Jeongin | I.N-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 09:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19787836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic97/pseuds/3racha
Summary: a look into the life of yang jeongin and his experience with romance (or lack thereof.)Or the fic where jeongin comes to terms with being aromantic.





	1. different

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is a quick vent fic to put my emotions about being on the aromantic spectrum out there. all of the feelings and experiences jeongin goes through come from my personal experience so just keep that in mind. everyone's experience is different. enjoy ~
> 
> ☆ title comes from i'm so afraid by holland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> even if you push it down or run away, it you in the mirror.

jeongin is ten when he has his first crush. well, he's not sure if it's a crush now that he thinks about it years from now. it sure is the first time he has to pretend he has one though.

his classmates are finally starting to realize that girls (and boys for some, although they stay quiet) are more than just cootie ridden creatures. they start talking about the foreign exchange student, olivia who has pretty red hair and _freckles._

"she's so pretty." one of his friends says as they swing on the monkey bars.

jeongin just hums, not paying attention. He wants to get to the top of the monkey bars, not worry about girls.

"who do you like jeongin?"

he stops, unsure of what to say. he hasn't thought about it, he always thought it was weird that all his classmates were jumping at the chance to hold hands with each other. _gross_. jeongin really doesn't like it when other people touch him without permission to begin with.

"uhh."

his friend scoffs, "you have to like someone! _everyone_ likes someone. you're not a loser, are you?"

"i am not!" jeongin protests, his face red, "I… like chanhee."

chanhee is the quiet girl in their class. he hasn't spoken more than five words to her but she seemed like the easiest person to say without garnering more attention.

"she's cute I guess." is all his friends says before they go back to playing.

the words get stuck in jeongin's head, and he spends the next years of his life thinking about them.

_everyone likes someone. you're not a loser, are you?_

he's not a loser, and if that means he has to pretend to like someone than so be it. Even if that means he has to lie through his teeth and pretend to be shy around chanhee.

everyone likes someone, so that means he has to too.

he's not a loser, he promises.

* * *

jeongin is in twelve when someone confesses to him.

her name is yeri and she's sits behind him in math. she has long hair and braces just like him. he knows from his friends that she's pretty and lots of the boys want to date her.

jeongin doesn't.

"so, will you be my boyfriend?"

he struggles to say yes. most of his friends have already had their first girlfriend, their first _kiss._ he feels different, weird, that none of that interests him.

his friends tease him about being too ugly to get a girlfriend and he almost wishes that were the case.

"sure."

yeri giggles, her face red, "really oh my god, i have to go tell everyone!"

she reaches to place a kiss on his cheek and squeals away. jeongin flinches and rubs his hand against his cheek, wishing he could wash it away.

it all feels wrong.

his friends congratulate him when they find out and he fakes a smile. it doesn't matter if it feels wrong, this is the norm, he has to get use to it.

he avoids yeri, barely holds her hand and never kisses her. she breaks up with him two days later, her eyes sympathetic.

"it's okay jeongin." she says, her voice soft, "you need time to figure it out and it's okay if you're… different, okay?"

she leaves and jeongin feels _worse._

he doesn't get to tell her that he doesn't like boys like that either. at least he doesn't think so.

it's all confusing and scary.

he chooses to ignore it and sings until his throat burns and dances until his legs shake.

with a jype flyer in his hand, he forgets about it all.

he is _not_ different, and he's going to prove it.

* * *

after being accepted into jype, jeongin doesn't even have time to breath. between school and training, it all blends into a blur.

it's nice, he _likes_ it. he likes not worrying about anything but his passion, he likes hearing the improvement in his voice when he can hold a note for longer. he likes when his channie hyung tells him that he's proud of him.

time flies and it's a year and a half into his training when his hyung announces that they have a chance to debut.

he feels the excitement in the room when they hear the news. hyunjin reaches forward to hug him and he feels his face warm. it feels… nice.

he freezes, his mind going into overdrive.

is this what they meant? the feeling of butterflies?

he's never thought about boys, heck he never thought about liking _anyone_. he spends nights pondering his discovery, asking google question after question about what he feels.

he over thinks every interaction he has ever had with hyunjin for a sign.

hyunjin is pretty, a great dancer and sweet. according to everything he's read, he _should_ have a crush on hyinjin.

but he doesn't know what a crush is!

he doesn't know what it feels like and it all makes him anxious. it stresses him to the point where he stops eating. he knows it worries his hyungs but he can't bring himself to eat when all his stomach does is churn with anxiety.

he distances himself from hyunjin and keeps track of how he feels.

google says he'll long for hyunjin, he'll miss him and think about him all the time.

he does miss his hyung, who tucks him into bed sometimes but he doesn't think about him all the time. sometimes he doesn't even notice hyunjin is in the room.

finally when hyunjin gets tired and asks what's up he breaks a little.

"its nothing, i'm just trying to find myself y'know?" he says without looking at him. it's scary to be open, to be _vulnerable._

hyunjin nods in understanding, "you are a teenager, i guess i should've expected the teenage angst."

jeongin gapes, "hyung i am not an angsty teen!"

"sure you're not innie." he teases. the worry that was in his eyes fades, he looks happy to see him messing around.

jeongin tackles hyunjin who chuckles and pulls him in for a proper cuddle. hyunjin places a soft kiss on a cheek and…

there's nothing.

no heart beating fast, no sweaty palms, no butterflies.

he's… almost sad. he hoped that he did have a crush on hyunjin. that maybe he had been fixed, that he would finally be normal like everyone else, even if that meant he was crushing on his teammate.

but he's not and he feels a little broken.

"i missed this." hyunjin confesses and jeongin's heart breaks.

he wants to cry. he wishes he had a crush on hyunjin, so maybe he wouldn't feel so empty. so maybe he had a good reason for distancing himself from his _friend_ who had done no wrong.

"i'm sorry. i was just confused." he whispers instead.

maybe in another universe, jeongin is normal and he crushes on hyunjin and they live happily ever after.

but in this one, he's not. he's broken and hes hurt the people around him.

"it's okay." hyunjin reassures him.

_it's not,_ jeongin thinks and if hyunjin feels a wet spot from where his tears hit his sweater, then he doesn't say a word, he just holds him tighter.

_i'm not okay._

* * *

changbin and felix become a couple shortly after debut. everyone sees it coming. they had all seen the way changbin fell apart when felix had been eliminated. there was no platonic explanation for that.

he's happy that his hyungs are happy, he is.

but the more he sees them cuddle together or kiss, his chest aches and his nose scrunches in slight disgust.

he's… jealous of the intimacy.

felix goes on and on about how wonderful it is to be in a relationship, the security, the warmth. he talks about how he's never lonely because he knows he has changbin.

jeongin doesn't want to be lonely anymore.

he doesn't _feel_ what felix does. he doesn't get it and it frustrates him. how do people have crushes? he doesn't get nervous around anyone, he doesn't feel his heart speed up.

he doesn't feel _anything_ and he wants to.

he wants to hold someone's hand and cuddle with someone but the thought of kissing someone, of being in love makes him sick.

he sees the way changbin looks at felix, like he's the only thing that matters and it's _gross._

he scrunches his nose up and turns away when he sees felix and changbin act all sweet to each other. he doesn't mind it all the time, there are just time when romance repulses him.

"aww baby, are hyungs being gross." hyunjin coos as he sees jeongin turn away from the scene.

he flushes and the others laugh. chan pinches his cheek fondly and he bats it away.

"just watch, one day he'll have his own significant other and it won't be gross anymore. he'll grow out of it." minho teases and the other chuckle in agreement.

it's a simple comment but it makes jeongin's entire body go cold.

_he'll grow out of it._

it's a harsh reminder that what he feels is wrong. that he needs to grow up, and get a boyfriend or girlfriend and deal with it.

he can feel his throat go dry and he knows he's going to cry.

"i'm going to bed, don't feel so good." he murmurs and the others nod.

he hurries to his room and crawls into bed. he shudders, biting his cheek as the tears fall down his face.

he wishes it would stop, that it would go away. he doesn't want to be a freak anymore. he just wants to be normal like everyone else.

he cries himself to sleep, a prayer on his lips.

_please fix me._

* * *

it doesn't get easier to acknowledge but it gets easier to exist. he doesn't think about it and he's fine.

he goes searching online, hoping someone has an answer or a cure. maybe there's someone who can tell him how to reverse it.

instead he finds a community, a flag with beautiful colors and _pride._

_Aromantic,_ it says, _someone who does not experience romantic attraction._

he's in awe and he wishes he knew english better as he reads about the spectrum. it feels, _right._

he's not sure if he'll ever experience romantic attraction but for now, he finds comfort in the spectrum, in the label.

it doesn't make it easier to accept but as he reads about the many stories of others who have come before him, who understand his struggle, he doesn't feel alone anymore.

he still wishes that one day he'll feel _something_ , that he'll be able to experience what his hyungs go on about, but for now he's content.

"you look happy." chan says as he sits down next to him during practice.

"i am." jeongin says with a wide smile. he knows he'll have to tell his hyungs soon.

for now though, he's happy to have a secret for himself. he doesn't owe anyone an explanation, he's allowed to exist regardless. it's something he has to remind himself of.

"i'm glad." chan says as he wraps his arms around him. jeongin snuggles into his hyung's embrace.

he feels full, he feels loved, he feels happy. maybe it's not the love he wanted, but it's definitely the love he needed.

"me too."

he's not a loser, he's not different.

he's yang jeongin, simple as that, and he doesn't need fixing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there she is. i'm very proud of this fic? it came to me really easily, probably cos it's about something super personal to me. i tried to do my hw but i couldn't until i finished this so ajjsksk gonna go do that. some notes tho:  
> \- using only lowercase letters was a personal choice i made and it feels more organic that way.  
> \- when yeri tells jeongin he's different, she kinds of hints that he may not be interested in anyone period but he thinks she implied that he likes boys that's why hes like ?  
> \- i wanted to write jeongin coming out to the others but it felt right to end it where i did. let me know if you want a part two where he comes out because i will write it!
> 
> thank you for reading! i hope you liked it. i'm gonna link my twitter and cc below ^^ have a nice day!  
>   
> [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/cosmic_3racha)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/cosmic_3racha)


	2. seventeen years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's no one in the world he trusts more and they deserve to know who he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys wanted another chapter and i really wanted to write jeongin coming out to his hyungs so here we are. enjoy ~

jeongin is seventeen when he finds the word aromantic. it's only a word but it gives meaning to everything he's felt since childhood. the word, the spectrum, the label, means so much to him.

maybe that's one of the reasons why he keeps it a secret for so long.

it's tangible, a simple word but it's _his._

a part of him argues that he doesn't need to come out -- that he doesn't owe anyone, _even_ his hyungs an explanation. straight people don't come out, why should he?

another part, the logical part of him, knows if he tells them, they'll stop asking what he likes in a girl or boy. that they'll stop waiting around for their little maknae to ' _grow up'_ and be a lovesick teenager.

he's not sure how to go, _yeah all that? don't feel that,_ without making it awkward.

the real reason though, is that he's scared.

it's been months since he's discovered what aromantic is and what the spectrum is like. he's still getting use to it all, of knowing why he feels like this, of having reassurance that he's not broken or needs to be fixed. it's normal, _he's_ normal.

in doing so, he spends a lot of time online on forums, reading the stories of those like him. it helps and he can read english much better now but it also exposes him to arophobia.

people, more often than not, who are lgbt themselves are the ones responsible, which isn't that sad? a community that is meant to accept those who feel different, that don't feel what society deems the 'norm' are some of the first to play gatekeeper and tell _him_ that he doesn't belong in their community.

_you don't grow up feeling like we do!_

yes, because the seven years of feeling ostracized, of feeling empty and broken, of _praying_ to be fixed is _nothing_ the community can relate to.

it's pathetic.

and as much as he argues and grows pride in who he is, he's scared that one of his hyungs will say something wrong. that they'll tell him the words he's been dreading to hear.

he can handle seeing it online from strangers, but to hear it in person from the people he loves most? he doesn't think he could ever recover from that.

regardless, he decides to tell them. if there's something jeongin is, it's that he's stubborn and once he sets his mind to do something, _he will do it._

he's anxious and afraid but he's ready.

_he has to be_

* * *

he decides to come out on a day off. they're slowly becoming more rare as their group gets more popular, which is a good thing he assumes, but it also means he only has one shot.

he can't back out or it'll be _weeks_ until he can try again.

he wakes up that friday morning determined. his stomach gives a painful churn, a reminder of how anxious he is, but he ignores it. today is the day.

he wait for lunch, spending his time watching coming out videos (for other sexualities, the lack of aro/ace representation is not surprising) and reads over the encouraging messages his friends on the forum have left.

_you got this!_

_i hope it goes well but if it doesn't i_ _'ll fight them!_

he laughs, his heart full. it's touching how hundreds of strangers are rooting for him, ready to fight his hyungs if they say something wrong. it's nice to remember that even with all the hate and gatekeeping, there's a community out there that's ready to support and fight for any of their kind.

"innie! the food is here." hyunjin calls out to him from the hallway.

he takes a deep breath. this is it. he's going to tell them.

jeongin has never been overly religious but as he walks outside, he sends a silent prayer.

_please let them accept me._

* * *

lunch is a loud affair, it always is with nine boys.

he's usually making noise along with the rest of the maknae line but today he's quiet. he takes little bites from his food here and there, knowing his stomach can't handle too much because of the nerves.

_it'll all be fine, just do it._

he can feel chan and woojin's eyes on him and he tries not to flinch. he wants to speak up and tell them but the words won't come out. he knows his hyungs can tell something is wrong but neither say a word.

"alright, innie and hyunjin are on clean up duty." chan declares and the others cheer, glad it's not their turn to clean up.

they start to stand and jeongin panics. _they can't leave i haven't told them yet!_

"stop!"

he yells and blushes when everyone turns to look at him. his hands are shaking and he feels his chest tighten.

"i… i have something, i want, no i need to say, please sit."

he hates how small his voice sounds. he looks down, scared to see his hyung's reactions. god, the videos made it seem a lot easier.

chan settles down again, "is everything okay innie?"

jeongin takes in a deep breath, trying to ignore how shaky it comes out. he plays with his fingers, his mind yelling at him to just get it over with.

"i'm okay but there's something you should know about me. i… never said anything because for years i didn't have a word for it. i just thought there was something wrong with me." he admits.

he looks up and sees the concern and worry on all of his hyung's faces. he feels a hand grabs his and watches as their fingers intertwine. he looks up at hyunjin, who is smiling at him, urging him to continue.

"i know it may change things, or maybe not, i'm still me. i've been struggling with this for so long so when i found a word for it, it became easier to accept it. i'm still not completely comfortable with it, sometimes i still wish i was normal, like you guys."

he turns to hyunjin, "remember when i said i was trying to figure myself out?"

"oh innie, i am so sorry." hyunjin says and pulls him in for a hug. he clutches onto hyunjin's sweater, holding it for a few seconds before he lets go. he misses the warmth immediately. " i told you that you were going through teenage angst. god, im sorry, i should've asked further."

jeongin gives him a weak smile, "it's okay hyung, if you would've asked, i wouldn't have said anything anyway. i still hadn't figured it out and i really hated myself back then."

he sees his hyungs flinch at his honest confession of his self-hatred.

"innie, what are you trying to say?"

he lets out a watery chuckle, of course minho can see he's stalling. he just needs to say it, but it feels stuck in his throat.

"when i was ten years old, someone asked who i had a crush on. i said it was girl who i had spoken five words too. i didn't want to look like a loser because i didn't like anyone. it continued like that, it's always been like that." he breathes in, frustrated at himself, "i just don't feel what you guys do. girls and boys are pretty but I've never wanted to date them. ive never been interested in them. i just don't get it -- the butterflies, crushes, it doesn't make sense to me."

he can see confusion on some of his hyungs's face. He sees understanding flicker on chan's face.

"innie… are you saying you don't feel romantic attraction?"

_of course channie hyung would know about all of this, what doesn't he know._

"yeah." he whispers. "it's called being aromantic, feeling little to no romantic attraction."

it goes quiet before felix launches himself across the table to hug him. he freezes before letting himself relax.

"there is nothing wrong with you okay? you _are_ normal just like the rest of us. thank you for telling us innie, i'm so proud of you." felix whispers into his ear.

jeongin shakes before tears begin to fall down his face as he finally hears the words he always wished someone would tell him. he's so _grateful._

it may not seem like much but jeongin weeps in happiness to know that he's accepted, at least by one person and that they don't think he's a freak.

felix pulls away and brushes his tears away, a gentle smile on his face.

"come here innie," chan says and jeongin crawls over. his hyung immediately pulls him onto his lap and wraps his arms around him.

"my poor baby." he whispers, "i wish you would've said something but i understand why you didn't. we're you're family okay? we're going to love you regardless of who you are and what you feel, which is normal by the way. my precious innie, all grown up and talented, you don't need to fix anything else, you're perfect the way you are."

more tears fall down his face and he let's hyunjin wipe his tears away.

he's passed around as everyone hugs him and tells him how proud they are of him. he almost feels silly thinking that his hyungs would reject him. he's only known them for a few years but they've proved to be the most open-minded people he's ever met.

"innie." seungmin calls out hesitantly and he hums in response.

"i don't want to sound like an asshole, but can you explain more, about being aromantic. i want to fully understand."

_i want to know so i can help you in any way i can,_ is what he means and jeongin can't help but to nod eagerly.

for this first time in his life, jeongin is happy to talk about what he feels, about how confused he was (and still is) without worrying about being ostracized or shamed.

he's yang jeongin, he's aromantic and he's perfect the way he is.

it took seventeen years but he knows now, that there's nothing to fix because he's not broken, and he never was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and scene! this fic is so important to me, i keep rereading it and just feeling at peace. i told my irls over text that i was on the aro spectrum and they didn't get it and still act like i get crushes which sucks. my friend si told me to write this scene the way i would've wanted them to react so i hope i did a good job at making all the hyungs supportive. I have a few more vent fics (one about jisung and one about felix) so i hope you'll give those a read whenever i finish them.  
> a big thank you to everyone who commented and gave kudos. if you're aromantic then i want you to know that it's gonna be okay, yeah society puts a never ending pressure to experience romance but it's not necessary. you'll be okay and maybe it takes a year or seventeen for you to figure it all out but i promise it'll get easier one day.  
> i love yall, stay safe and have a nice day/night!  
>   
> [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/cosmic_3racha)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/cosmic_3racha)


End file.
